


out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again (I'll breathe again)

by Binouchetruc



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Brother Feels, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Emotional Hurt, Family Loss, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jedi as Found Family (Star Wars), Kinda, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker Feelings, Obi-Wan Kenobi Loves Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Break, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Obi-Wan Kenobi-centric, POV First Person, POV Obi-Wan Kenobi, Post-Duel on Mustafar (Star Wars), Regret, but also it's more referenced than actually mentioned or anything so, emotional mess, he tries, kinda since the narrator is kinda unreliable rn, kinda spoilery for anything chronogically before SW III
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29993406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Binouchetruc/pseuds/Binouchetruc
Summary: ‘I loved you’, I told him.It was the truth. It was a lie.
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, others are only briefly mentioned - Relationship
Kudos: 3





	out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again (I'll breathe again)

**Author's Note:**

> Hoi!  
> So this is my first dip in the Star Wars universe and I'm not too sure I got the whole Jedi mindset correctly, nor Obi's but oh well  
> Don't be scared to leave feedback, it would be very much appreciated! :)  
> I hope you'll enjoy! :3  
> Btw, the title is some lyrics from Breathe Again by Sleeping At Last

“Emotion, yet peace.”

I try to breathe, but my lungs feel constricted and not enough oxygen enters them.

I could blame it on the warm, burning air of the blazing planet. It would be the easy way out, really. 

But it wouldn’t be fair. Not to him, not to me.

For nothing could ever quite burn my throat, my whole being like the words that I uttered, and nothing would get out of my head the way his eyes cooled my soul to its very core as he was burning himself. As I let him burn.

‘I loved you’, I told him.

It was the truth. It was a lie.

For I could remember but a few people for whom I felt so strongly about, though in different ways, and I could not lie to myself that his betrayal did nothing to stop me from loving him.

It was a simple truth.

I love him.

That’s why I killed him.

That’s why I didn’t kill him.

I won’t lie to myself. He is strong, but he cannot survive this. Not alone.

And I am weak.

“Ignorance, yet knowledge.”

I couldn’t have brought him back with me. It’s not him. Not anymore. I couldn’t tell this… version of him that I love him, either. I could only wish I had saved him before he turned into it.

But it’s too late. Way, way too late.

So, I know I should have killed him. It was the least I could do, as his master. His friend. His brother.

But I couldn’t.

The code forbids the Jedi from killing unarmed opponents. That’s what I tell myself, repeat to myself. Over and over. That’s how I lie to myself, a little bit. Even if it’s not totally a lie, a part of me knows it’s just an attempt at softening the blow. The Negotiator, that’s what they call me. I don’t lie, I just disguise the truth.

I have no idea how I’m still walking when no air enters my lungs, but I do. I couldn’t save him, this is true, but I can still save her. Them.

Yes, if I couldn’t save him, the least I can do now is to save his legacy. His family.

So I stumble, and I stumble, but I get up again, and again. I can’t let him down. Not like Qui-Gon. Not again.

I will protect his family if it’s the last thing I do, because I couldn’t protect mine.

I won’t get attached. It’s unbecoming of a Jedi. I can still protect them, from afar. Before that though, I have to get near.

“Passion, yet serenity.”

I’m almost there, I can feel it. The Force leads me to her. She’s weak, but she’s there. It’s enough for me to go on, to fight against the pain in my chest so I can take one step at a time, without looking back. 

I recognize it. It’s the kind of pain that goes deeper than could be physically possible, the one that wraps around your heart and brings it down, down, down into the darkness. It’s the kind of hurt master Yoda keeps warning us against. So I let it go. 

Like I did with my master, my love, my grandpadawan. 

I release it in the force.

I release it.

I try.

And I try again.

“Chaos, yet harmony.”

It’s not any easier than before. I just have to be satisfied with the little amount I got rid of, for now. After all, as long as I don’t let it foster, it won’t be a problem. I can admit weakness, and then, I can correct it. Will. I have a long trip to do, I’ll have time. 

Later.

After all, the ghost of the dead is only a shadow of mine. It cannot haunt anymore the two little lives that will soon arrive. I still sensed trouble for them, terrible things in the future, but I sensed hope as well.

I will protect them. And then, when my end shall arrive, I will have overcome this ghost of mine, and will greet it as an old friend should.

“Death, yet the Force.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ps: I know Ahsoka didn't die but it's still a loss nonetheless


End file.
